Pippin and the Pint of Life
by RiderInBlack
Summary: Pippin acts, well, Pippin-ish. Which is to say, not very wisely. And with no help from Merry. He attempts to steal the Pint of Life. "They come in pints? I'm getting one!"


"Go, go, go!" whispered Merry frantically to Pippin. "Ale, ale, ale!"

"Good gosh, Merry," Pippin responded (in his hot Scottish accent, of course). "There's no need to get so worked up over a pint."

"But this isn't just any pint, Pip. It's the _pint of life!_" Merry's eyes grew wide.

"Ok, ok, I'll go steal it," said Pippin. "But if I get caught, it's all your fault."

"Don't worry," Merry reassured him. "The elves never guard their pints anyway. It'll be as easy as taking Farmer Maggot's carrots!"

"Ok," replied Pippin. "But we never actually stole Farmer Maggot's carrots. More like borrowed."

"Yes, Pip, we borrowed the carrots. Ok?"

"Got it," said Pippin. He snuck off into the conveniently located underbrush.

Boromir, who was more in tune with "popular culture" (ever since he was resurrected, that is) thought deeply. "Hey, what Merry said earlier sounds like the chorus of a Ricky Martin song!" he commented.

"Oh, Varda save us now," muttered Gimli into his beard.

"What was that?" asked Boromir.

"Nothing, nothing." Gimli coughed.

Aragorn put his head in his hands. 'And you thought _my_ singing was bad,' he thought to himself.

Meanwhile, Pippin was successfully sneaking up on the Pint of Life. As Merry had predicted, the elves had left no one to guard it. The Pint of Life was sitting on a great flat rock in the center of a courtyard that Elrond used for meetings. There was no one in sight. Pippin snuck up to the rock, glanced around furtively, and reached out to grab the cup. Just as he was about to touch it, Galadriel entered. Pippin nearly fell over in shock. "Galadriel, what are you doing here?" he questioned.

"I could ask you the same thing," she replied.

"Yes, but you see, that wouldn't make any sense if you asked _me _what _you_ are doing here. Instead, you would ask _me_ what _I'm_ doing hear. So you wouldn't really be asking me the same thing because the things are, in fact, different."

Galadriel felt confused. The hobbits usually had this influence on her. Well, all of the hobbits except Frodo. He just sort of stared at her with those big blue eyes of his. That unnerved her, more than anything.

"So, ahhh, what _were_ you doing here?" Galadriel ventured, hoping she wouldn't get another cryptic response.

"Actually," Pippin thought fast, "I was gazing into the Pint of Life to try to become, oh what's the word, _enlightened_! Yes, that's it, enlightened!"

"You could always gaze into my mirror, if enlightenment is what you seek," said Galadriel, trying to regain her oh-so-wise-and-powerful influence.

"Well, yes. But you see, your mirror is not a _pint_." Pippin argued. "Pints are essential."

"I see," said Galadriel, though in fact, she did not see. She decided to go back to her apartments in Rivendell and take a nap. Yes, that was what she needed. A nice, long nap. She left, and Pippin breathed a sigh of relief. He grabbed the pint and ran for it.

Back at the camp of the Fellowship, everyone was unhappy.

"For the last time, Boromir, you are _not_ Ricky Martin!" yelled Legolas angrily. "Stop singing that song already!"

"We should have never got him that karaoke machine," muttered Gimli (into his beard, of course).

"...pura pasion..." Boromir's voice drifted into the clearing. He was grossly mispronouncing the Spanish.

"There is only one option left," said Aragorn grimly. "Pull the plug." Aragorn and Legolas crept through the undergrowth toward the karaoke machine. Just as they were about to pull the plug, Pippin crashed through the underbrush, carefully holding the Pint of Life.

"Have you got it, Pip?" Merry asked enthusiastically. "Brilliant!" Aragorn seized the distraction and pulled the plug. The music abruptly stopped.

"Hey!" yelled Boromir. "I was just getting into it!"

"Oh go blow the horn of Gondor!" Aragorn called angrily.

"Did anyone see you take the pint?" asked Merry.

"No, no," replied Pippin. "Galadriel snuck up on me, but then she asked me what she was doing there and she got very confused and went to have a nap." Merry looked confused. "Really," reassured Pippin.

"Ok then," assented Merry. "Now, we drink it!"

"Oh good," said Pippin. "I was hoping this moment would come!" He chugged the pint in one long gulp.

"NO!!!" cried Merry. "We were _both_ supposed to drink it! Not just you!"

Pippin smiled sheepishly, and hiccupped. All of a sudden, a change started to come over Pippin. He grew two feet, his feet shrunk and lost the hair, and his facial features changed so that he now looked like......

...Ricky Martin?

"NO!!!!!" cried the Fellowship collectively (except for Boromir, who was blowing the Horn of Gondor rather loudly.)

"So that's why it's called the Pint of Life!" Merry exclaimed. "Well, thanks Pip, you saved me from being Ricky Martin!"

"Look Merry," yelled Pippin, standing up. "Now I'm taller than you! Hah!"

Merry's eyes bulged. "That can't be!" he yelled. Running across the clearing, he grabbed the Pint from where it had fallen and frantically held it up to his lips. "There's got to be a drop left!" he called frantically.

Just then, a flash of white light entered the clearing. When the light had disappeared, Galadriel, Elrond, and Gandalf appeared.

"You have stolen something that belongs to us, Peregrin Took," said Galadriel.

"No I didn't!" Pippin shot back. "I merely borrowed it! I was planning to give it back anyway!"

Galadriel wrinkled her forehead in thought. "You couldn't have given it back anyway, after you had drank from it," she replied. "For then it would be useless." She blinked. "Hey, wait Pippin. Why do you look like Ricky Martin?"

Merry showed Galadriel the empty pint.

"Fool of a Took!" yelled Gandalf. "You weren't supposed to drink all of it!" Pippin gulped. "You are only supposed to take small sips of the Pint of Life. That way, you get the singing voice of Ricky Martin without looking like him."

"Gandalf used it in his hippie days, when he had to sing at concerts," Elrond confided.

"Yes, but what am I supposed to _do_?" Pippin queried. "I can't stay as Ricky Martin!"

"I believe the water from my well will counteract the effects," Galadriel interjected.

"Oh goody," muttered Pippin.

2 Days Later, In Lothlorien

Pippin gulped the water from Galadriel's well. "Blech!" he said. "It tastes like leaves!" He hiccupped once, and then his body began to change. He shrunk, hair grew like mad on his enlarging feet, and he gradually turned back into Pippin.

"Now everything's back to normal!" Merry said happily. "I'm the tall one again!"

"No you aren't!" cried Pippin. "_I_ was always the tallest one. Everyone knows that."

"_I'm_ the tallest one!" shouted Merry. "Not you!"

Gimli coughed into his beard. This was going to be a long journey back to Rivendell.


End file.
